In Pursuit of Happiness

I always feel like I am a true victim of a broken heart… whenever I am (physically) intimate with somebody. I know for sure that I am not over my last relationship. The saved pictures on my phone and hidden keepsakes in my bedroom are evidence of that. But I do feel like I have taken some steps forward. And sometimes I even feel like “Step, who?” Well that is until it’s time for me to share a special moment with whatever guy that is tickling my fancy at the time. And during that moment (usually towards the end) I want to burst out in tears or I burst out in tears. It’s almost like a pain I’ve never felt before. All the memories that I’ve swept under the rug come rushing back to me as if they happened two seconds ago. Especially our intimate moments, and then I’m laying there thinking “I can’t believe I’m doing these things with someone else.” When we were together I could never imagine having another man on top of me but him…. And for some reason it still feels that way. When I’m done having my little episode, I try to tell myself that I’m not a whore and I will be over Step one day…. just not today.

This is the second time I’ve experienced it….. So you should know that tonight wasn’t the best night for me.

Le Sigh…